Self, hope, control, and healing

I am overwhelmed with frustration and sadness when I witness the disempowerment experienced by some people who feel lacking in some way.  I have struggled with self-esteem for the majority of my life, so it seems odd to now sit in a space where I feel enough, empowered, and extraordinary even.  I believe humans to be magical.  Capable of fulfilling dreams and cultivating joyful abundance.  So why do we experience such an immense battle with self-worth?

I have struggled through deep depression, anxiety, panic, psychosis, fear, and substance use.  It has been a 15-year journey, and I can attribute my survival to many things, however the element which continues to reveal itself is hope.  I have learned to view hope through different lenses.  Hope has appeared to push me out of bed, have a shower, eat, rest, listen to music, talk to a friend, go for a walk, withstand panic provoking intrusive thoughts, find safety at a police station, or call an ambulance.  There is a force magically existing which has kept me alive and more recently, move towards thriving.  My self-worth has incrementally developed and in a sense, remembered it’s strength.  As plants can grow through concrete so too, I believe, humans can grow through pain. 

Self-worth is either nourished or neglected.  Young children do not question their worth until ‘tested’ with the external world.  Culturally we are born into systems and institutions which deem people good, bad, wright or wrong.  Gold star or detention.  Often a result of exhausted class sizes where children’s innate hunger to learn is challenged by their ability to gain attention amongst 25+ children and 1 teacher.  And some human parents are still scrounging to gain the same attention while in affect, passing on poor self-worth to their children.  Trauma is not our fault however it is our responsibility to heal.  No one will, nor is it possible, for another human to save us, heal us or make us whole.  Unfortunately, children are sometimes put in a position unintentionally to heal their parents, resulting in generational trauma.

Understandably, some humans forget their magic and believe they are not good enough.  Healing can occur through relationship, though co-dependency is common where each grasp at control, leaving people either anxiously attached, avoidant, or even abusive and many other variants of control.  We attempt to control the external other rather than choosing to control that which is possible, the internal self.  Healing through trusted therapy is a promising way to experience co regulation.  Healing through a therapeutic safe relationship where we learn how to eventually self-regulate.  I believe then, once our control focusses inwards, we can build healthy relationships with friends, partners, and family.  Although initially adverse to the idea of paying for someone to care about me, therapy has proven to be a crucial and beneficial investment. I acknowledge and recognise that I am privileged to be able to afford therapy so the establishment of long term bulk billing mental health services I believe is essential.

These are my reflections from having a lived experience of mental health distress, surviving trauma, participating in therapy for 8 years, working with children for 20 years and attempting to control the external other in relationships. I believe we can embrace our magic human selves and find the courage to embark on the healing journey, contributing to a culture which generates peace, hope, honesty, and love.

Thanks for reading :) xo